New Beginning, New Slate

We are beginning again! Yay! Not sure yet as to when all this will begin, but it has started. Birth control pills first and then the many shots. I am really excited about all of this and extremely positive. This will take and my intended parents will have the baby they have always wanted! Yay!

Thanks for all  your support and understanding!
@~>

Things that can't really be explained

Today has been one of those days that gets added to my list of saddest days ever. I had an ultrasound today and found out that I had a miscarriage around 6 weeks. I would have been 8 weeks or so today. This isn't something that can be explained or anything that can help us better understand. It just wasn't time. I am still trying to convince myself that it isn't my fault. I'm getting there, but I have never been through this before, so I am taking it a bit harder than necessary. Since family is in town this weekend, we had planned on Sea World today. I went in order to 1) not be left alone. I really did not want to be alone today. 2) I needed something to take my mind off of everything. It didn't always work, but at least the puffy eyes went away for a bit. I am canceling all activities for this week, besides one as I am really not in the mood to socialize. Will we try again? Most definitely. I am going to look to the positive side and know that the next time will be perfect.

Thanks for reading.

More Randomness

So I have recently decided to be positive, no matter what the case is, from now on. No more negativity! Which also equals, no more complaining about tummy issues. hehe. With my own kids, I won't say I complained all the time, but if I didn't feel good, people would definitely know about it. That is going to change with this one and any others I have hear on out. Heck, life in general is going to be all about happy, joyful things.  I think we base way too much on what is wrong with us and our lives instead of being grateful for what we do have. Life is actually a lot easier than we make it out to be.  Anyways...that's not why you are reading, right?! ;-)

Like I said, no more complaining, but I will say that this little one is hungry.  Now, it could be the mixture of everything I am taking along with the pregnancy, but most of the time (there have been a couple of days this week that have not been too bad), I will have just eaten either a snack or meal (trying for at least 4 meals a day, smaller portions) and I still feel hungry within an hour afterwords! It's really kinda funny!

Also, I get to meet this little one's grandparents this weekend! Exciting! They are also bringing me REAL mexican food! How fun is that?! The parents want to ensure that my cravings are indeed met! LOVE IT! ;-)

Life is good!

Ultrasound results

As you should know, I had the ultrasound today. What we saw was pretty much a little peanut. lol. But there is only one little one in there (we are sad to hear that, but happy that at least one is in there!) We have another ultrasound set for the 22nd where we should be able to hear the heartbeat and take measurements and so on. This is definitely a fun time.  I love that everything is falling into place without a hitch.  I have been told that first time surrogates normally take a couple of transfers before a fertilized egg takes hold.  I am so happy that, that isn't the case.  I want my parents to have their little bundle of joy and not have to have any type of heartache along the way. Definitely going to be taking extreme care from now until this little one is born!

Thanks for all your support!

Cravings or are they?

Thought I would post something kind of minor in comparison to the rest of the blogs, more for my benefit than anything else! lol. I have a horrible memory (I think I did it to myself a long time ago, but that is another story), so if I start to write things down that happens during this pregnancy, I will hopefully remember better for next time ;-)

I have been trying to remember my cravings lately with my kids and comparing the differences.  It's amazing really, how different each pregnancy can be.  Of course, this one is different, due to the fact that this lil one isn't mine, but still.  My three babies, each had their own ideas as to what mommy would crave while pregnant. Devin was lots and lots of chicken and any way I can cook it, which he still eats the most to this day. Ethen was everything in sight. That child was always hungry, even before he was born. Though he did change some of my taste buds. Never was really into mustard, but once I was pregnant with him, that went out the window. He loves anything that revolves around condiments...wait, he just loves food and all that it entails really. He is the only child that isn't picky, like the rest of us (minus David).  Chloe was all about broccoli and potatoes. It's really no wonder she loves french fries!

I haven't narrowed down the cravings as of yet with this one. They keep bouncing really.  Though I will say that I am not into eating my chocolate like I normally am.  Maybe, just maybe, with this pregnancy I won't have that horrible need to have junk food! :-) Wishful thinking, I know, but I can hope. Normally anything chocolate does not last long if near me, but lately it has been lasting longer than normal.  Could be I am just watching my intake better. Also, I have been craving mexican food a lot more lately.  Now, don't get me wrong, I can eat Mexican food just about everyday. I have always loved it. But we are normally really watchful of where we eat out, money wise, so what I normally get is from Taco Bell instead of actual Mexican food....well aside from Freebirds. Freebirds is AWESOME! But if we want to do really cheap, we go to TB.  But I have been wanting the whole shabang when it comes to Mexican, rice, beans, the great seasoning of picadillo or whatever I decide at the time to put on the tacos, or gorditas, or whatever. lol. Even talking about it all, it makes me hungry and want some! lol.

The other thing that has been happening a lot lately is that I have been waking up in the middle of the night, starving! It feels like I haven't eaten anything in the last 24 hrs, which is not true! I have been really good at having 4-5 portions of food a day, of course not huge portions. But that feeling reminds me so much of Ethen, it's kinda funny. I guess something is similar!

Tomorrow I go in for the ultrasound, to make sure everything is okay in there! Working on being extremely positive and hopefully all will be well tomorrow!

Thanks for reading! Have a great one!

2nd blood test

After my horrible experience last time, they took special care today! Now I will say that the bruise is not as bad as I had expected it to be (it hurt that much!), so that has to be a good thing. Iron is high or something! lol. But this time, there was lil pain and I really don't think I will bruise.  I could go a little while, tho, before another blood test!  The tests came back exactly how we wanted them. My beta count was over 400, so a nice raise. Thinking there might only be one baby in there! But either way, I am pregnant and I know the parents are ecstatic! I think this is really the best gift anyone can give someone.  I am really excited to be able to do this for them!

We have the ultrasound set for April 8th! We will see and make sure that everything is as it should be.

I have been feeling all wonky.  I know there are those who just have symptoms of nausea and really no reason behind it, but I am so used to knowing what is causing my nausea! With my three, I was able to pinpoint what was upsetting me enough to avoid further trips to the bathroom.  This time, not so much. I think I am just having those symptoms with no reason other than I am pregnant and having morning sickness (tho sometimes its afternoon sickness or evening sickness! lol).  I am really not complaining.  Just acknowledging that this is way different than I am used to.  I guess we do get to learn new things no matter where we are in life! ;-)

Hubby got to take the day off from giving me my shots as I was out and had to have it done at the clinic this morning.  Though he is doing really well with them, he still hates that he has to do it.  I just cannot bring myself to do them.  Poor guy!

Thanks again for all your support. Though I would have still gone through with this, with out without the support, as it is something I really wanted to do, it is so much better and happier experience with the support you all have shown me!  Very much appreciated.

The Results are in!

I am Pregnant! :-)

They had to take some blood today, which really hurt. They had to dig to find my vein...that is not comfy! My arm will probably be bruised! lol. But the results state that I have a beta of 133, which indicates that I am definitely pregnant! YAY!

I go back on Monday to make certain that my numbers are doubling like they should be and then we will plan on an ultrasound soon after that.

Last night I was anxious, so sleep was not as forthcoming as it should have been. I think now that I have had such great news, I may be able to take a much needed nap! ;-)

Thanks for all your support!

Transfer complete...so what next?

So, I have had weeks of getting ready for this single moment and it has come and gone! I now have the potential of carrying two beautiful babies for an awesome couple! This whole process is miraculous and am so glad I am a part of it!

I am on bed rest til Wednesday. Two days down and then I can continue as normal (except exercise...wait, that isn't normal for me!) but will continue to take it easy until later this month when they do the pregnancy test and probably even longer than that. I don't want to overdo or mess anything up, so I will take the extra precautions!

The transfer itself was interesting.  They didn't really tell me what to expect...pretty much just stated that I had to have a really full bladder (let me tell ya, holding it has a whole different meaning now! May not make my kids do that....EVER! lol).  Let's just say that it is similar to having a pap smear. Very cold, metal deal inserted and then the feeling of something being pushed in and so on.  Mainly, just uncomfortable (tho, if you are like me, it may be slightly painful). Then, ultrasound is set up to ensure that they are injecting the embryos into the right area.  I was told after, due to having them push the ultrasound wand on top of my bladder continuously (still holding it!) for awhile, that a woman's uterus actually becomes mobile the more kids that she has. I don't believe I ever thought that possible...it would seem most of the inside parts stay still, but I guess not.  And after about 6 or 7 minutes, I was carrying two potential babies. Now to make sure these babies attach and grow extremely healthy!

I have an appointment on the 25th, where we will do the pregnancy test and see if my numbers are where they should be! Fingers crossed for extremely high numbers (over 100 high!).


(picture of me decked out in the most unflattering outfit ever!)

Night before the transfer...

Do you ever wonder why your husband does not really understand what is going on with your body while pregnant? Why he is not as caring or sincere as you think he should be? You wonder what is wrong with him...I mean 'HELLO' he helped to put you in this situation. And maybe you have that really great guy who does help out and not give you that put out look when you ask for a shoulder massage or your feet rubbed. LUCKY! I have had three beautiful children with my hubby and all three, well, lets just say I didn't really get coddled in any way. No special treatment, no I know you are going through so much and I am here. Nada. Now, I did get the I love yous and you look great (tho, I think after 10 years, that becomes an automatic response...just kidding, maybe ;-) ), but not much else.  Now you are probably wondering what this has to do with my becoming a surrogate.  Here is the point. My man, has made it abundantly clear that he will make sure that I am well taken care of throughout all of this. You know, and I have heard this before from another surrogate, I actually think he is more excited and will be more involved with this pregnancy.  He even wants me to have twins! Can you believe it?! I obviously just want to be sure one of these two eggs take, but he wants me to ensure I do everything in my power to make sure both take! LOL. I understand his reasoning behind this remark. He wants our parents to have the full "benefits" of this pregnancy and get the most out of it, which means one but hopefully two babies. I agree to an extent, but I have never carried twins and I can only guess how that will feel! LOL.

I am really blessed to have my husband. He is behind me on any decision I make, even if he may be iffy about it. This path I am now on (we I should say), he has been behind, 100%. He has even told me how proud he is of me and what I have decided to do. I am not sure about you, but I have not heard that from him very often and I believe I will treasure that moment more than any of the I love yous and you're beautifuls I receive. I love knowing that the man I have been with for 10 years is proud to be at my side and proud to call me his wife. I don't think I could have picked better in a man!

Thank you for believing in me, baby and being there whenever I need you!

Have I mentioned I hate needles?! hehe

Alright, so yes, I knew going into this that I would have to have many shots (if you have ever been pregnant, you get used to many shots to begin with...blood draw for this, blood drawn for that...etc), but when you are faced with a really long needle that has to go into a specific area of your body, thigh or hip (so the really big muscle areas...intramuscular so I'm told), you get a bit nervous about it. What I have done up until this point is nothing compared to what I start doing tomorrow. Lets just say that I am really nervous about it! And I can't pawn it off on the hubby to do for me as he is just as squeamish about it! He has pretty much said 'no, absolutely not!' lol. Well, what can I do? Make him? Nope, I will be the man here and try and do it myself. Only thing is, is that I have to doing inject it quickly. I always hesitate giving myself the shot I am on now...not sure I can do this one quickly! I have a feeling, that after I do this once, I may not have too much of an issue with doing it over and over (have I mentioned that I am supposed to do this for a very long time?! About 10-12 weeks, at least from what I remember being told awhile back, but could be longer.)  This shot is important, called Progesterone, as it helps tell my body that I am pregnant and help ensure that my body can and will help the embryo grow and attach. So, this is an extremely important part of this process and I can't be wimpy! At least that is what I will continue to tell myself.

The retrieval was scheduled for today for the couple I am a surrogate for. From what I gather, I could be scheduled to do the transfer on Monday! Then a few days bed rest. Yes, I said few. Now, you are probably wondering as to how on earth I will be able to stay in bed for that long (and of course, for those of you who know me, you probably know the answer! ;)). Lets just say that I am a lazy person...really and truly. I have gotten better over the years, but for the most part, I really love to do my homework or read or anything of that nature (even make my jewelry) on my nice, comfy bed.  My kids are pretty self-reliant, even Chloe, so I am not having to run around, trying to ensure they are not killing themselves over something.  Plus, next week is the kids spring break, which means I can depend on Dev to help me out around the house and obviously David as well when he is home. Chloe has been known to play in my room or watch TV on my laptop with me, so this part should be really easy! ;) lol.

For the transfer itself, they will implant 2 fertilized eggs. The goal, obviously is for one of them to attach and grow. As you can see, it is possible that both will attach and grow! So, yes, it is possible that I will carry twins. That will be an experience! lol.

Well, that is all for today! I just want to add a big Thank You, to all of you who are supporting me and encouraging me through this. Though, I know I would have continued on this path otherwise, it makes this process so much more fun and definitely less stressful to know that I have so many supporters who want to help me through this, even if all the help is me gabbing about  it! ;)

Thank you and love and miss you all!

Becomes more real everyday

Is it just me or has these past couple months just flown by? It's really weird to think that it's March already. And as it stands, the transfer will happen within a couple of weeks! So, it is probable that I will be pregnant by the end of this month! It is amazing how science and technology have mixed so well and made this possible. My intended parents are so excited and I am of course just as excited for them!

Yesterday we had the gestational hearing, which of course states that we are the carriers and the intended parents are the birth parents. We got to really talk with them, learn more about them. My kids even got to spend some time with them. Chloe even warmed up to them. They are going to be great parents and that makes this process so much more special.

Have I mentioned the weirdness of the drugs?! lol. I think my body has finally got used to them, but for awhile there, I felt like I was already pregnant, which I guess is the point.  Lots of ups and downs in my moods, some nauseousness, etc. I think I have finally adjusted enough now that I feel normal, at least for now. If all goes well, the transfer should take place in a couple of weeks and then I can actually feel like I am pregnant, as I hopefully will be! ;)

And it begins...

Up until now, I have been daughter, friend, girlfriend, wife, mother, career woman for a short time, student, and well you get the idea. I am all of these things still (minus the career woman part)but there comes a point where you ask yourself...well, what about me? I am all these things and have devoted myself to be all of these things, but even a person who loves their life, as I do, wonder where I fit in. Even the best mother or wife needs to have some part of herself where she can say, 'I did that just for me'. This year, I will turn 30 and I have done some of the things I have wanted to do with my life, but I still wonder if there was more I could do or even still do. Those who know me know that I strive to help anyone and everyone who needs me. I am always there, no matter what. Some call it compassion, others call it..., but for me, it's just being who I am. With that being said, I have felt lately that I may not be doing enough in this department. A feeling of unfulfillable, so to speak. The last part of 2010, I had come across an article about military wives. Being an ex-military wife myself, I tend to always read anything about these topics, just to keep abreast of what is going on. This particular article was talking about surrogacy and how more and more military wives were becoming surrogates. After reading that, I thought, 'That's it'. Of course, me just saying that, does not make it happen instantaneously. After I read that article, I started to research anything I could about surrogacy. From what I found, the best places to find information about this, is to look at the actual surrogate agencies. 

During my research, I found a surrogacy agency here in San Antonio. Surrogate Angels of San Antonio. (http://web.me.com/cori_smelker/Surrogate_Angels_of_San_Antonio/Welcome.html) This agency is run by a wonderful couple, who have been extremely helpful and supportive throughout this process. I am so glad that I chose this agency as they are hands on and definitely there if I have questions or concerns or just someone to talk to. 

Only once I found the agency, did I start talking to David about it. I didn’t want to go to him and say hey, I want to do this, but have no information about it, so I will have to get back to you about any questions you may have. That just doesn’t cut it for me. Of course, when I said, Hey honey, I want to be a Surrogate, he looked at me like I had been possessed by something. Not saying that my husband thinks this is a bad idea; he has been nothing but supportive. He just knows that I have this huge issue with vanity and being pregnant with our children made it really bad! Lol. BUT, like I told him, I lost all of my weight after each kid. I think I can pull off doing it again, plus I hope to actually use this time to really push myself to eating better (as it is someone else’s kid I will be carrying…extra special care needs to be taken!), so hopefully the weight gain will not be as monstrous as my prior pregnancies. 

So, to recap what has gone on to this day. Application process was simple enough. I was not as nervous about meeting Cori and discussing the surrogacy process and if I was a good fit for this path as I was for my first meeting with the intended parents (no, I will not be disclosing their names). I think I rubbed David’s hand raw during that interview! Meeting the intended parents was extremely nerve racking. I believe I was that nervous due to the fact that 1) I did not know what to expect and 2) I really wanted to be picked and when you want something bad enough and have a case of the worries like I do, nervousness comes with the package. But, I guess I didn’t really have anything to be nervous about as the day after meeting with them, I was told that they wanted me to carry their child for them! I was in awe! I really thought I bombed the interview due to lots of ‘ums’ and nervous gestures. LOL. But, here we are! David had a lot more faith in me than I did, (which, what else are hubbies for?!) so he felt I would be picked. 

Once I was picked, I had some testing to do. Normal physical testing, to make sure everything is exactly as it should be. I passed! Lol. The second part was a psychological test, which I was nervous about. I know there are a few of you who ask as to how I can do this and not get attached to the baby. Well, 1) not my baby to begin with. Just because I am carrying does not mean it is mine. 2) I SO do not want any more kids of my own! Will I feel an attachment, probably, but only as like an aunt of some form. I think this helped me with the entire psych eval, along with honest answers for a lot of different questions. David keeps saying we are ‘normal’ (whatever that means) and I guess he is right! I guess I really didn’t have anything to be nervous about, though you could have fooled me at the time!

Once I passed all the necessary tests, I got to start the drugs! ;) So far, I have been on only a few things, but more are to come! One of the drugs requires me to inject it into my stomach. I thought it would be a big deal to give myself a shot, but in all honesty, it is a lot easier than I realized. Of course, I have yet to start the shot that goes into my hip! Lol. 

More tests were done just last week. I found out that I have really long fallopian tubes. The way the doc said it made me think that this is not a normal thing to have. Hey, maybe I am unique?! It is possible that if all goes well, we may do the transfer next month some time (fingers crossed all goes well!). 

This entire experience I know will be worthwhile and such a fun adventure. I am definitely glad I am who I am!

Thanks for reading and until next time…